All of this is new.
Hello, friends!
How are you all doing? I'm doing pretty well today, considering everything. It's baffling what a crapshoot each day is going to be, isn't it?
It's been a real trip -- and yes, I do realize what an understatement that is -- keeping three kids who are home from school indefinitely busy and happy, while trying to get even an ounce of work done from home, navigating the news and staying informed, and also trying care of myself mentally and physically at the same time. I've been thinking about how many of you are experiencing this as well.
(As others have noted and Jess has been continually reminding me: Everything is new. We're not good at this; we don't know how to do this yet.)
Just dealing with the mental rollercoaster is intense, right? Some days are OK, and some days are pretty bad. Hugo has asthma so his health was already a concern for me before COVID, but now every single day he isn't coughing I am just so, so thankful. Some days it takes all of my effort to fend off a panic attack (I do have a severe anxiety diagnosis, so no, that is not a joke).
It's amazing what difference a walk outside makes. Like, I always knew getting outside and moving around made me feel better, but wow, how did it suddenly become so utterly essential to my wellbeing? I wonder if you took every person in the world outside at the same time and spread them 6 feet apart if there would be enough room for everyone to walk around? Who do I know who can answer this question for me? My friend Maria came over for a social distance walk on Sunday and we walked 6 feet apart and talked for an hour and that was amazing. Spring is peeking out in little bits here in Michigan. Although: it snowed the other day.
Triaging all of the new information and trying to make decisions accordingly (should I be sewing masks? which local restaurants and/or businesses can I support? will my business survive this? can I go to the grocery store without getting sick?) has left me with so little brain space left to do anything else. And I say that as a person with privilege who has a husband also working from home who is splitting kid-care with me, so I can't even imagine what it's like for those of you solo or single parenting out there, not to mention those of you working an essential jobs like healthcare, or out of work completely.
It's so hard not to beat myself up ("FFS, Rae! Pull yourself together!!!"), so I am trying really hard to be gentle on myself instead and I hope you are too. I have been able to move a few work-related things forward, though a lot of time when I do manage to sit down to work, I end up staring off into space. Which is frustrating, cue mental spiral. You know how it goes.
(If staying home is the most important thing I can do right now, I'm giving myself an A+)
We finished a puzzle the other day (this one by Monica Forsberg). I've been working on knitting a sweater (this Pip&Pin pattern) while we watch TV with the kids in the evening. Just creating something can seem like an act of defiance against this virus. I haven't really been able to sew (again: when? with 3 kids? I feel so exhausted after I tuck them in), have you?
Anyway. I just wanted to say hello. To tell you that I've been thinking about you and hoping that your “OK days” are outweighing the bad ones. If you're still trying to navigate working at home with kids as I am and muddling through, hang in there. And if you're working in an essential job, thank you, and also hang in there and please be so, so careful and take care of yourself. If you're sick or scared, hang in there. I'm scared too.
One last thought: writing this down feels so redundant in a way, just knowing how these experiences or feelings are in no way unique to me, as we are all going through this, albeit in different ways. But if somehow these thoughts strike a chord with you today or make you feel less alone, I think that’s probably worth it.
Sending big virtual hugs in your direction.
Be well,
Rae